6th July 2022

 I cried today over the thought of my Dad dying, the only person in this world who truely respects me, see's me as an equal. He has a heart condition due to the years of him abusing his body with drugs and alcohol. I can't blame him, all his life he was mocked by people he trusted. I can relate. The only thing that kept him going was to see me and my sister grow up and be happy. we talk now and again and one day I won't have that luxury. I think what will I do? no one talks to me other than him. My mum rarely bothers with me and focuses on my sister more. I think this is due to the fact that I haven't given her a grandchild so I am not important. she will obviously deny this but I can see through her. My sister only contacts me if it's in her interest. I swear if I didn't own a car i would never hear from her unless she wants to gloat about a new car or promotion. 

At this stage of my life I am reflecting and looking at what I have. Nothing. All I do is draw for strangers on the internet and get a few pennies here and there. I tried full time work but I couldn't do it, I felt like a tax number working long hours on a night shift I was getting fed up after 3 months. 

I am still in the same house share for 7 years now. what a waste and still nothing to show for it. 

I don't know what I will do when my Dad goes. Either hit the bottle or carry on. I keep asking myself whats the point? I don't want to give up but when you have nothing to fight for then what then? 

Update - Things have changed

 Well 2021 is coming to a close and I gave it a go with my art however I didn't make alot, I am starting to realise how difficult it is to be a cartoonist not to mention an adult themed cartoonist. I decided that since my money was depleting I had two choices, either go on benefits or get a part time job. I did the latter and wanted to do multi drop van driving and I got a job at Argos. It is pretty simple and straight forward and the hours are not too demanding, I can do both art and the job. I guess the reason I was so stressed last year was because I had no financial safety net and it affected my motivation to do artwork. I am hoping now that I have a job with decent pay I can finally get my own place and start a fresh. My new years resolution for 2022 is to stop worrying about money so much and try to enjoy my 30's because I will be 50 one day and I do not want to be acting like this.

Taking a chance

 I am going for it. Fuck it, I've had enough of working for cunts and arrogant twats. I have decided to go self employed as a cartoonist for hire. I have had some commissions and people seem to be happy with my work. I do worry that I maybe taking too long on each project but I need to chill out. No one is complaining so why do I worry? 

Anyway I will see how I get on. I may be making a videogame soon and I will see what comes of that.

Is this it?

I'm 32, been single for 10 years (not due to lack of trying) , I get ignored by my family/work collegues and I feel naturally alone like I am invisible to these people. I suffer with Anxiety disorder and being alone is without a doubt the worst thing. My experience on this planet being ignored, forgotten and I feel people in my life will only care when I'm dead. I'm not after sympathy or pity and no I'm not suicidal I am just explaining how it is, nothing will change so I don't try and find reasoning behind it. I'm just an odd one out.

I ask myself is this it? Is this the peak of my life? Surely this can't be it. I live in a shitty House shared by strangers and I rent a room, I don't even have my own fucking place. I have no job and I have a foundation degree in Graphic Arts and design but that is useless unless you are a Hipster because no one wants to hire a fat white scruffy guy in 2020.

I don't know what my next move is, I could pursue my Comic book free lance Idea but it's not easy and you need alot of money to cover yourself while doing it. I'm only good at fast food work, I tried office work and it was soul crushing so I don't want to go back to that. At this point I feel like just throwing in the towel, what am I here for? I don't have a family , I don't have a love interest, I don't have a career or savings I just sit in my room eating fast food regretting my past. Honestly if God want's to pull a rabbit out of His arse to help me I would take it but it doesn't seem likely. Praying won't do shit all it does is give me false hope. Reality sucks, my life sucks and I can't be bothered fighting anymore. Sometimes I feel like just going crazy in a supermarket just to get some attention from strangers.

Whatever happens I know that I will never resort to suicide I don't see the point of it but I do question whats the point of living if no matter what you do people will always pull you down.

Concerns

With all the craziness going on in the world due to the CoronaVirus I am starting to get concerned about where my life is going. I lost my job at Sky before the Government lockdown and I am living on my student loan which is fast approaching depletion and no one is hiring. Luckily I am getting some cash via my artwork but even that won't cover all my bills so I honestly don't know what's going to happen. I hope when I read this in the future that everything worked out beacuse mid 2020 is fucking crazy right now. I just hope riots don't errupt as I am not the only one who will suffer if this lockdown doesn't get lifted.

Uni Visit 2020

Hey not posted this year so here I am.

So today we had another guest speaker come in to talk to us. She was Emma Reynolds, a childrens author and illustrator. The presentation was interesting and gave us some good hints and tips, She mentioned using agencies to help sell Her work etc.

I decided to follow Emma on Instagram after the talk and asked Her what agencies She uses but instead she kept talking about portfolio's and presentations, which is fine but did not answer my question. So I asked Her again and She just sent a link and told me to use skillshare. 

Why is it so hard to get a simple answer?? All I asked was can you tell me what Agency you use and She kept dancing around the question. Waste of time asking. I don't need to know about portfolios yet all I needed was a link to the agency she uses. Sick of these people claiming to help but won't answer my question.

Resident Evil Roadblock Gif